Where does one begin when looking backwards at one’s life experiences, trying to speak the story? It seems as if there is a connection. A luminous string running through it all. For a while I used to think “before” K or “after” K. It seems as if my life was connected to the K always. And always, there is an unfolding that spreads out the horizon like an opened oriental fan, a wind on my face. Or it seems finely focused, a floating speck in the eye’s iris. (sadhu and a painting of his)Time seem to come to a stillness, but often, too, there is a sense of riding a horse on the merry-go-round. Past, present and future spin the luminous string, as if tuning my heart.
Coming from Ohio, I am asked how did you get here? Japan and India, yes, they know I lived there. But more so, as if they are asking about the thinking that may have been looked on as different in the mid-west for a child born in 1950. I am not sure “how” I got “here”, but it has been a long ride, both smooth and bumpy,
For a long time now, since 2012, I have been only able to remember the explosion of what learned later as a Kundalini awakening. I had seen the word, “kundalini” at the ashram in India in the late 70s. We used to do the “kundalini meditation”. But it never really came to my mind, what it was. I must admit, I did know things were happening there, in the ashram, around the teacher, Osho, that was a mystery. I think I knew the first time, that things were absolutely different here, when the flowers, trees and bushes in the walkway in the garden twinkled and became luminous as I lined up to go to meet Osho and become a “sannyasin”. No one else seemed to notice the lightness of the flowers, as I looked at around. It was as if there was a “show” for me. Gold flecks of light.
After my initiation I didn’t go to Osho’s discourses often, but hung around the ashram and the town, Poona. The sites, the people, the colors, the fabrics, the fragrance, the foods… in a kind of bliss. Such joy! One day I went back to the room I was staying in, and my husband at the time, Swami Ananda Sadhu, (he liked to be called “sadhu” in our writings), was there. I was so open, so full after meeting Osho…..I looked up at the ceiling, and could see through it. I saw the stars on the dark sky. In this sky, was a ribbon of light, a wide ribbon, with symbols written on it. Later I called those symbols a “light code”. Within a span of time that I have no understanding of, I seemed to be connected to another consciousness. I remember going to sleep, but before lying down, I saw a kind of light body….sitting next to me. I am still not sure if it was my light body or my husbands. When I woke up….how many days?…..I could no longer write down the codes, nor remember the key from this other consciousness. I do remember crying to sadhu, that things were going too fast, it was too much for me. Things slowed down after that. Months later, sadhu and I separated. We said our goodbyes in Poona. I re-married again, moved back to the states from living abroad 11 years (Japan), and had two children, became a housewife, and a teacher of preschoolers and mentor coach of teachers…teaching a simply life, a natural way of learning. In the back of my mind and heart there was always the “seed” Osho had planted, and the awakening ray that seemed to be put on hold. It was just waiting the right time, so it seems.
In 2009, I began to notice a deepening of my awareness, longing, synchronicity, and urgency. There was no going back, it felt, I must move forward. Many of the typical awakening symptoms occurred, later I found out, and I fell into a “dark night of the soul”. I surrendered in many ways, felt I had already died, so might as well. I “lost my mind”, the flecks of gold reappearing, the connection to sky, sun and moon. Still, I was able to proceed as a teacher, a mother of two, and a wife. I also “found” my past husband, sadhu. As I look back, he was my guide, my teacher to get me through what he sensed was coming, and he had already gone through. He was in London, I in California, but there was email and a kind of telepathy happening between us. We hadn’t connected since India days in 1981.
On February 28, 2012, I had a spontaneous Kundalini Awakening with a spinal sweep and out-of-body experience. After the “event” I went to email to tell sadhu about it. As I opened my computer, he had already written, “Congratulations. Go and tell your friends, your children”. I was afraid. What is happening? I was quiet, absorbing, but finally I wrote back to him 2 weeks later, realizing what a Friend he had been these past years from afar. Helping me to realize the past I was clinging to , carrying needless heavy luggage. (NO I wasn’t, I kept telling him!!!) I now wrote:
for the warning
for the patience
for being here.
I told my friend and family
about it all…even though
I wasn’t sure what it was.
I ended up very much in a
floating sliding trance and
white light, body paralyzed…
looking at self from self.
not until seeing I was carrying
Trust came in to play. Trusting.
It slipped away…..
Lightness and a wonderment.
Like a chick looking around…yes.
A newness…I wrote on my calendar:
rebirth February 28.
Been looking at what is a Friend
Osho is right…Friend is higher”,
*my name from Osho.